I Think You Understand

These winter months tend to grow on me.
Holidays have come and gone and
I have
not entirely unlike those days
been home,
but
only come and gone.

I am looking into
several things.
I know I don’t dislike doing what it is I do,
but I do know that I have great distain
towards
who I do it for

and I do know that
I have my dreams of grandeur
about living alone in a house or apartment
back in those golden streets
and sitting near a window on a Saturday morning
having risen early,
but not to an alarm
drinking coffee (with a little whiskey in it)
with a little Regina Spektor or a little Alexi Murdoch on in the background
staring at the slow snow falling on the tree branches
and not having to worry
about where I will get my next meal
or pay that bill.
In my closet will hang all those dress shirts and ties,
the slacks they wear with,
and the occasional polo shirt (for those casual Fridays).

And there I will look down upon my hands
And I will see them doing work that I know they can do
And there I will be content
With who I am and who I am to become
And I will not wonder
how long it is until I die because I’m sick of waiting for it,
but how much good I can do before
that time comes.

Unfortunately,
while I may be a dreamer of those oh so sweet dreams
I am also
overly pragmatic
and therefore I know that this dream
will likely never be
and while having these dreams is making it
harder to stand who I am
and the work these hands can do,
but are bound not to
I must admit that
both in them
and in having them
I do feel
a bit more
hope.

It trickles like drops of water from leaves
after the rain passes
or from a leaky ceiling that I can
just almost reach through
to that bright
blue-black sky
covered in cliché spilled salt.
It pools and pauses
and breaks on my head, running into my eyes
blinding me from what I already know
and wrapping my soul as a blanket
warming
and warming, beginning to thaw
and slowly I am drifting

and insofar as I have always been told
all I really need to at least get it all started
is just to feel
a

bit
more

hope.



drop.







drop.